i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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