i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
