I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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