jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
