she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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