I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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