I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize