Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
