i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
