I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
