I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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