My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
