Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
