so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
