Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
