her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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