At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
