I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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