i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
