She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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