I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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