so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
