theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
