you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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