I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
