Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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