she woke up with a sticky ear
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
