five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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