I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
