I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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