Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
