I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
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