oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
