dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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