My Higher Power is John Stamos
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
