Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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