When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
