You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
