Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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