I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
