God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
