Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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