I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
