PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Ketchup is God's man juice
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
