Someone shit on the floor
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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