Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
