Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
