At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I believe in your delicious
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