Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
