dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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