Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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