i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
